Will The Romulans Notice
by Tribble Master
Summary: Inwich the romulans have to notice that two evil unicorns are battling it out in their main square, but somehow don't then end is up! sort of
1. Will the Romulans Notice

Spock held it up in the light, each hand firmly clamped on the shoulder of the costume. "It's a prototype Captain. Unstable at best, but a plausible way for gathering Intel."

Kirk ran a finger down the soft material and smiled. As he withdrew his hand Spock began to fold it up. "Spock, I think I'm looking forward to this mission."

It was a bodysuit made of special fabric, now lying on the briefing room table, and the latest 'toy' Starfleet scientists had cooked up. The _Enterprise__'s _mission was to drop off Kirk and pick up on the political advisors. With this suit Jim would be able to change shape into _anyone _and **anything. **It was to help exchange positions.

The intercom beeped and Uhura's voice filled the room. "Sir we are with an hour of orbit range. You are okay to put on the suit now."

Kirk clapped his hands together, "Thanks, I'll be in transporter room two in sixty minutes. Kirk out." With playful eyes he turned to Spock, "Want to help me get dressed?"

It was a one piece suit that responded to the wearer's mental commands. Kirk slipped in easily, and there was no problem as Spock pulled the zipper upwards. _Invisibility, _once comfortableKirk thought to himself. He turned around and looked Spock in the eye, but to his surprise Spock looked everywhere but him. "Captain?" the Vulcan started to pace around the room.

An image of Spock appeared in his mind and he could feel a small electrical pulse as the suit changed. Spock turned around and raised an eye brow, "FasCINating."

Kirk kept as straight a face as possible. "Indeed. Captain?"

"Sir? What manner of jest is this?" Spock asked.

"Jim, please, I know the suit must make you excited, but do not engage me in childish pranks," Kirk said, it was becoming harder for him not to laugh.

"There's only one way to settle this then. Can you square 636?"

"What a logical solution," Kirk had to admit, but the sound of his own voice sent him into Spock sounding laughter. The real Spock blinked, "25.129, Captain."

In a moment Jim looked exactly as himself, if you subtract the suit. "Sorry Spock, but it was pretty realistic."

"Indeed," Spock said walking towards the door, "Should we go to the bridge now."

Suddenly a slight tremor went through the ship, making Kirk trip. In turn he flew against the table. A surge of electricity went through him and hundreds of imagines flew past him.

When he stood up Spock's eyes bulged. "I'm fine Spock," he said shaking his head a little. "Sir," Spock was walking toward him, "Speak up."

Then Kirk noticed his vision was covered in a grid, and his peripheral vision was all plastic. It was also increasingly hot, and there was a heavy weight on his shoulders. The first couple of steps he took were wobbly, his balance was completely off. He shouted, "Okay, Spock I take it back, something is weird here. Maybe you should call McCoy…"

" Jim," Spock walked toward him and held up one of Kirk's hands, "you sir, are a giant polar bear."

Kirk's jaw dropped as he looked at the furry white paw in front of his vision. _James T. Kirk, _he thought, envisioning him self. His fur ruffled but no change, his voice stayed muffled as he said, "Do you think the Romulans will notice?"

---

to be continued if people like.


	2. The Red Shirts Notice

**I apologize in advance for insulting tourists! Yes, I know we've all been one once. **

**In my case, at the souvenir shop were I work, I get asked, "What's an ulu?" ten times a day. . . Tourists need to learn. Of course when I answer, they end up buying the expensive ulu… (wink)   
**

**And If I don't sell enough they put me in the giant Polar Bear Mascot suit. **

**None of these characters are mine, which leads us too: **

**_Chapter Two: The Red-Shirts Notice_  
**

The scientist on the communications screen cried softly. "You broke it."

The man in the giant polar bear suit, slightly cartoonist with it's wide eyes, and long snout sat in the Captain's chair and smiled while nodding vigorously. A microphone had been attached so the man inside could talk and be heard, but it still gave off an odd echoing effect. "Yes, yes, I noticed (noticed), but can you fix (fix) it…"

The scientist ran off the screen choking on a tissue. Spock looked over at Kirk. Actually he looked up at Kirk. "Sir, I see this as an advantage."

Kirk jumped up. He poked his chest with one paw. "How the hell do see this as an _advantage?   
_

Spock shook his head. "First, Jim, I recommend you don't swear in that suit. Two, have you ever thought of working for the Romulan tourism industry?"

Kirk sat back down, glad for the newly installed fan in the plastic hell, sarcastically he spat, "what they need a greeter at the store front? Besides there's no Polar Bear on their planet."

"There's 89 percent chance it will be good for business, and tourists are known for stupidity," Spock said walking over to his computer missing the sarcasm in Jim's voice. "I will begin to pull up a list of possible stores."

"Sounds good to me Jim," a voice said, it came from the screen. Since the man on the other line had never turned it off the admiral entering the room had heard everything. "How much do you think they'll pay you?"

A giant paw slapped its' own forehead three times. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! You cannot be serious!"

The admiral broke into a wide grin. "I'm making this an order Jim, you're going in."

The Captian's paws had three fingers and one thumb. He pointed one at the screen, "Hey! That's _Mr. Polar Bear _to you from now on!"

With that Kirk stomped of the bridge.

* * *

At meal time he discovered that the head was not removable. Rather, it could only be lifted enough, _just barely enough, _to stick one hand up inside the head. None the less, it was an interesting side show. 

Spock was silent, hiding his fascination with the Polar Bear costume. McCoy however did not stop smiling. Kirk looked form one to the other, however because it took some physical arm strength to move the head, the comic eyes stared at the wall. Disgusted he threw down the fork he was clenching in his de-gloved hand. At least the paws were removable. "I just realized something," he said in a very grim voice. "How am I going to, uh, you know…?"

McCoy knew his Captain as promiscuous with the ladies and immediately thought _sex_. Spock's mind also considered this a small possibility.

To Jim, watching their reactions, both his friends had blank eyes, and only Spock raised an eyebrow. Jim coughed "_You know,_ how am I going to relive myself?"

McCoy was drinking some red juice as the words came out and as a result coughed it up onto the table. "Be careful!" the Captain exclaimed, "You almost stained it!"

McCoy continued to half-choke, half-laugh. Spock was deep in thought. After a pause, and a deep breath McCoy whispered, "there's something medically…"

"These ears are fake not to mention small! I can't hear if you whisper!" Kirk said loudly, hitting the table with a fist.

McCoy looked to the side and then up at the ceiling. The word came out mumbled, "Catcheter."

Spock leaned forward. "What was that doctor?"

McCoy blushed, "It's an older device meant mostly for patients who can't get out of bed in time to…uh …it…um."

"Bridge to Captain," the small computer port announced. Kirk strode over to the computer. It was not a dignified walk as his own thighs were where the Bear's legs began. To those viewing he waddled.

Hitting all three buttons at once he answered, "I'll be right up."

He waved good-bye to his conversing friends.

* * *

"It'll be three days until we reach the planet sir," Sulu said with a plausible straight face. 

"In the meantime I make do," the Captain said sinking into his chair.

Uhura got up and tapped him on the shoulder. His fur was so soft she just wanted to; she shook her head to snap out of it. The bear pulled its head out of it's paws to listen. "Sir, um, I recommend you alert the rest of the ship to your present condition."

"Why?"

The turbolift doors opened and five redshirts came out, phaser at the ready. The first one, Roger, stood toe to toe with Kirk. The rest formed a circle, blocking off a run to the exit. Making his most dignified angry face, Roger spat at Kirk's feet. "I've seen some whack jobs here in space, but I almost quit when I heard there was a Polar Bear on this ship. Especially one with the gall to assume Captaincy"

Kirk opened his mouth to explain but the security officer continued his British themed (accent included) rant, "Bloody bears. My mother was killed by one that escaped from the zoo. It was polar bear too."

The microphone buzzed as a result of a glitch, and shut it's self off. A small voice inside the plastic head announced, "a re-start will begin in twenty minutes." No one but Jim heard it.

So Kirk did what any Captain would do. He punched the insulting man. Of course, Kirk was in a Polar Bear suit. Wiping blood from his mouth Roger growled, "The Captain will give me a promotion when he sees what I've got here." He set his phaser on high stun. "Yes, sir-ee, one nut job back to the zoo."

Kirk took that split moment to run, kicking those in his way. Luckily the made it, but due the fast speed he ran at, he tripped into the turbolift. Uhura kept her eyes on the board and murmured, "That's why."

* * *

"What a fascinating device," Spock said as he got up to throw away his lunch. 

McCoy nodded. "Well, it would work for Jim if we knew how to get it on."

He stood and stretched. Spock stood in the doorway now; the doors anticipating his exit were wide open. Scratching his chin he said, "Of course we could always cut him out of the suit."

Just then, the Polar Bear ran through the hallway, hands straight up, a wordless cry for help echoing in his wake. Four security officers followed. Spock had to duck to avoid being hit by one phaser's stun beam.

McCoy was by now at Spock's side. As soon as the scene passed he walked through the door. Turning to look over his shoulder he said, "Nah. It could hurt the technology."

**To be continued.   
**

**Is this funny enough? I can explain what McCoy's device is if you need to know. **


	3. Something Suspicous

**Our polar bear suit has the exact same hole in it by the way. And I jump in it so often, there are practically no bottoms to the feet. **

**Chapter Three In which the Romulans notice there new employee is ….odd**

The replicator beeped, interrupting McCoy's sentence. Getting up, he retrieved the tray from the machine. He say back down next to his friend, and using ample glue started to apply white fur to the empty patches on Jim's back, arms, and legs. "What I was saying, how are you handling this ...emotionally?"

Kirk was positive it would be considered inappropriate to punch his senior medical officer. In a quick evaluation the scenario with the security officers had not played well. Roger's long lost cousin even came to join the fray, although now he was now in ICU. This had made Roger enraged, and filled with vengeance. Kirk hoped his thirst was filled, after the hell he had been through last night.

His right eye hurt, and he assumed it was quickly becoming a black eye. The damn head had hit him in the face when he had tripped. The redshirts had taken advantage of the fallen bear. The fur, he quickly learned, does not absorb punches. Fighting back was hard because the feet were heavy; kicking them was out of the question. His arms had been pinned. Swearing, and verbal assault were completely out of the question.

Emotionally? Emotions sucked! He mumbled, "I'm fine."

"That's good to hear. I don't know what would have happened if-well, if they hadn't stopped them."

McCoy grunted, pulling his thumb and index fingers apart. Kirk knew he was right. He would have been dead if not for the alien entity that had been floating by. Something that, as was latter found, fed on red, violence, and heat. In short, an attacking red shirt. It left the ship peacefully and satisfied, four unconscious security guards were the only evidance it had ever been there.

"So, have you told the rest of the ship yet, Jim?"

"Look," Kirk tried to gesture with one paw. Suddenly Roger sat up in his medical bed panting and screaming, "OH GOD! _I just had a nightmare that one of those damn **polar bear **people were attacking!"_

He scanned the room and made eye contact with the Captain. Fainting, his life monitor went dead. "As I was saying," Kirk went on, "Wait can you shut that off?"

McCoy went over and tried to shake Roger, to save his life, but the man was not responding. Shrugging he turned off the heart monitor. "I really think you need to inform the crew." He started putting away the scraps and glue.

Inspecting his arms as he stood up, Jim said, "Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the bridge." His shoulders dropped and he waddled out.

At the bridge he made the announcement. Reactions of laughter and dismay were expected. On another note a bunch of the female yeoman showed up on the bridge after thirty minutes with cameras (which they handed to Spock immediately) asking if it was okay to have there picture taken with the ("cuddly wuddly") polar bear. Each one of them squealed saying (among other things), "Ohhhh! He's so cute!"

Kirk decided, after the fifteenth hug, the job might not be so bad.

-o-o-

Midway through the voyage an unstable peace was formed with the security division. They shook on it, however it was an awkward handshake since Roger's second in command (Jack) had his good hand in a sling. When orbit was finally announced, Kirk sighed with relief. He had mastered many ticks with the suit. Peeing however was still a difficult issue. However he was found a small hole in-between the suites' legs, and found that suitable.

In the transportation room a small going off ceremony was being performed. The security divison offered Kirk their lucky swim trunks. Jack winked, "We've all worn them once. With girls. Yeah, with _girls,_" The other red shirts snickered. Jack continued, "How else would we have lost our…"

"That's great. Really, thanks so much," Kirk cut him off and took them gingerly. It was a mixture of designs patterned on it, cowboys, Disney princess, and squeaky yellow ducks. The thing belonged in a museum (Quite literally an antique, it had been ten years since the assassination had been called on Mr. Disney, and his company had gone down when he had come back in the android body five years later. The older the princess the rarer.), but he stuffed it in his bag anyway. The bag had only a toothbrush and other essentials, but really he couldn't change his clothes or his underwear in the suit (it made packing light).

The doctor was there with Spock as well.

"Good luck, Jim," McCoy hugged him. Without Jim's consent he also took the moment to slip a video camera on him. There was a pool on the ship when Jim would crack, unofficially of course.

"You've got to find the weapon Jim do not forget about that," Spock said from behind the controls. He had accidentally taken a picture of himself using the yeoman's camera. However that was only because he had the lenses facing himself instead of Kirk. The picture showed his eyes squeezed shut because of the flash. He had spoken little since, clearly humiliated. At least he was saying goodbye.

"I still say this is a stupid idea," Kirk said from the platform. He disappeared and reapeared in front of a yellow building. He ignored the name, all he cared was that it was hiring. In his ear the comm. link activated, "we'll be back in a week to check in. take care." Sucking in fresh air he stepped inside.

The look on the romulan Ra'eb's face was priceless by anyone's standards. His store was practically dead, but very clean looking (he was bored). Ra'lop was reading a dirty magazine over by the coats. Ra'eb was leaning his elbows into the cash register's buttons. The error noise the machine made kept him awake. A crowd of people came in, more than ever came in a month. In the lead by a polar bear. A creature that he had never heard of, and of all things it came up to him and _spoke._

"I'd like to apply. Hello? Dammit! Get your elbow of the register! I'd like to apply! Dammit!" The bear hit the counter with a fist and swore. Re'eb's face held that look for a good three minutes, with a slack jaw and bulging eyes, eyebrows raised, priceless was exactly the word to describe him. Finally with a trembling hand he gave the bear the form and a pen. "Did…did…did...you bring in this crowd," he asked.

It shrugged. Then after a couple more minutes handed back the paper. Already there was a line of people waiting to be wrung up. It was record sales that day, his boss, J'son, smiled and said, "Hire it."

o-o-o

"I don't like the new guy," the Ra'lop said setting down his cup of coffee on the table.

His friend, Ra'eb, was also leaning against the water cooler in the break room. Ra'eb walked over to the table and sat down. His wild gestures easily displayed his aggravation. "He…he just smiles! And smiles! Sometimes he dances! But that smile! Ra'lop, I'm worried."

Ra'lop walked across the five foot room and back rubbing his temple. "I know, I know. I'm worried to."

Idly he started to look through the time cards glancing where people had punched out. He replaced them, but slammed his fist on the clock. "I…I think he's getting paid more than us."

Ra'eb buried his head in his hand sobbing quietly. "And he never _talks._ He just smiles!"

Ra'lop was worried. How long would the stranger be working? He didn't know, but this was day one, and already his friend was having a breakdown. Picking up a sack of feed in the corner he went to feed it. It was the reason they had this store, not for the store but to cover it's stay on the planet. Soon though it would be free to fulfill it's purpose!

O-o-o-o-o-O

Eight credits an hour. He had to wonder if it was worth it. The enemy always seemed to stop their discussions at the water cooler when he entered. This weapon had better be worth it.

A deep frown was on Kirk's face. It had been there for most of the afternoon. No one saw it of course, that stupid grin was part of the absurd outfit he wore. His legs hurt. He had just jumped, doing a spin in air, for several women; the effort was worth it though when they had hugged them _hard. _That made him smile a bit until the little girl ran up and tugged his tail.

He hated store liabilities. His Romulan boss told him he was not allowed to maul anyone- not even boyfriends.

But still--- they hadn't noticed.

**To be continued. **


	4. Misty's Feeding Schedual

**Ra'eb is 'bear' and of course Ra'lop is Polar jumbled. Guess who Jim is and the clue is: its two words! Oh, J'son is seriously my boss. Weird huh? Oh and please no comments about me being bitter- truth is I quit for school. So now this is just me having fun! (Some events are real, but I don't own paramount)**

**Chapter Four- How much you gonna bet?**

"You're a spy!" Ra'eb sneered. Ra'lop stuck his finger into Jim's chest. "Yeah! Transfer student my ass!"

J'son had his arms folded his arms across, "Calm down, now unless we have some serious proof that Mr. ---what was your name again?"

Jim looked from face to face and coughed. "Uh, Ypst'erces, uh, the third."

J'son smiled, "Oh yeah I knew him. He was your father?"

"Yes?" Kirk raised an eyebrow wondering, _I thought that name was one I just made up._

J'son shook his finger at the other two employees. "See? Why are you insulting a responsible citizen like, um…?"

"Ypst'erces."

"What he said. Now get back to work," J'son grumbled. Picking up his coffee he left.

Feeling very insecure with the other employees Jim said hastily, "Uh, I'm going to go pee outside, guys…"

Ra'lop rolled his eyes. Ra'eb said nastily, "What-ev."

"Blimey, don't he know how to use a _men's _room?" They both snickered at the joke Ra'lop said. Walking away Jim wondered who was stupider: the employees of this demented store or the tourists.

As he shut the back door behind him he heard a voice: "You cannot go any farther."

He turned around. "Who said that?"

"I did," and in front of Jim's eyes a small acme covered teenager (probably eighteen) in the store's uniform shirt appeared out of literally thin air. As the conversation progressed the teenager's tone never wavered from that of depressed to super depressed.

"And who the hell are you?" Kirk's voice stayed very energetic.

With a trembling lip the teenager said shakily, "A former employee. I'm dead now."

"Ah," Kirk said as if it explained anything. Even though, to him, it did not.

The teenager looked up, "You know the backscratchers in there?" Kirk knew what he was taking about. They were very sharp and shaped like a paw of the deadly worldens. It had six claws, and Kirk frequently had to turn the claws away from the customers so they would not get hurt. The boy continued, "I was impaled on one. I'm a ghost."

"So what does this have to do with me not being able to go forward?"

"There is a force field to stop you from seeing Misty. Oops." The ghost blushed and began to float away.

Kirk took a few steps forward, but quickly was zapped by the force field. He called out, "wait!"

The ghost turned around slowly. In sad tones he said, "You really should put your fur out."

"Wait, maybe I can help you! You look like you need cheering up!" Kirk was franticly patting the flames on his fur. When that did not work he rolled on the ground.

The ghost came back over to him. "What would you want from me?"

Kirk stood up. Brushing the dust out of his fur, he replied, "Just your conversation!" Kirk smiled, although he knew none could see it.

"You want to know who Misty is."

"Um…yeah," Kirk said while rummaging around in his pockets. He pulled out a red handkerchief he had, "look at this as a friendship gift!"

"I guess," the teenager said monotonously, although his face visibly brightened as he took it.

"Take this," the ghost said handing Kirk a white piece of paper. As Kirk stared at it he realized what really was: a feeding schedule for Misty. It read:

**Feeder/ Food/ Day**

**Ra'lop/ Orion Tourist/ Monday**

**Ra'eb/ English Tourist/ Tuesday**

**J'son/ English and Orion Tourist/ Wednesday **

**Ra'lop/ Andorian Tourist/ Thursday**

**Ra'eb/ You can pick! and an Andorian/ Friday**

**J'son/ Ypst'erces or whoever the hell he is/ Saturday **

**Note: Feel free to add anyone else you feel like. Will release to Federation on Sunday! And don't make her mad! **

Slowly, while mildly in shock, Kirk folded the paper up and shoved it into his pocket. Several things occurred to him: _Maybe they had noticed._ Actually, that pretty much dominated his thoughts. Still he also wondered what and when he would get to see Misty. Hopefully it would be a day that he chose and one before Saturday. He looked up, "Thanks, I'll see you later…"

"Melvin." The ghost was evaporating.

"Ah, well see you later Melvin!" Kirk walked away. He shutterd, but at least he had one friend.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"I'm off at 5. Yeah, 5 pm," Kirk said looking down on the beautiful blonde.

She rubbed his belly in slow circles. "Mmm, see you then Mr. Polar Bear!"

He waved as she left. Suddenly, he felt a heavy weight on his right leg. When shaking it off didn't work, he kicked his foot out. The little girl flew off his foot (the kick is what made her relase her tiny arms from his knee), and went a good ten feet, screaming all the way. She landed in the park among the flowers. Her father was shaking the mother's arm excitedly shouting, "Did you get that? Did you get that on camera?"

Kirk shook his head and walked to other end of the pavement. He was allowed to walk five feet in either direction of the store doors. As long as he danced and hugged though his boss didn't care if it was fifteen feet in each direction.

Jim couldn't wait to get off.

-o-o-o-o-o-

McCoy gave a high-five a yeoman, and then turned to Spock. "Cough it up Spock, you owe 15 credits, that little girl broke her leg! She is _ so_ going to the ER!"

Spock pulled the money out of pocket. He had to stand up though, because he could not reach his back pocket as he sat in the Captain's chair. "You are right Doctor," he handed the money over; "I was in error. We shall have to reply this footage at parties later."

McCoy nodded vigorously, while counting his credits. Satisfied he began to stuff them into his wallet. "Yeah, but with more popcorn Mr. Popcorn Hog."

Already relaxing back in the chair, Spock raised an eyebrow, "Yes, well, you did eat all the Cookie Dough Bites. And the Charleston Chews."

McCoy said, "I swear to god that was the red shirts. Either way, would you like to make your money back- doubled?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. He turned the chair to look at McCoy. "How?"

"No Spock, the question is: how will the captain's date go?"

Uhura turned around in her chair, "I want a piece of this action."

Sulu was standing up and pulling out his wallet. "Me too!"

Chekov grumbled, "Betting vas inwented in Russia."

"Well, before the date begins," McCoy began while collecting (and writing down) the money, "We need to discuss the moral implications of leaving our Capitan on a planet to certain doom."

A collective sigh went around the room.

o-o-o-o-o

To his own surprise the swimsuit boxers were very comfortable and fit right over his suit. It had the embarrassing effect though of changing it's back ground with is mood. As if they knew of the special occasion the princess danced with cowboys (it was the ho-down Kirk guessed, and a very animated version) while the ducks played bluegrass on various instruments.

Stacy—aparently her name—loved it when she picked up Mr. Polar Bear at five pm. "You have such a cute smile!" She giggled. Kirk giggled as well. The ride there was wonderful in the warm night air. Stacy owned a red convertible, and had the top off just so the head could fit in the car.

She liver at a mansion, and had a spacious Jacuzzi. Kirk's boxer's turned a brilliant white when he saw her in a hot pink bikini with her blonde hair down. It made him very happy that his lower half was underwater, "Stacey, I…"

"Shh…," she said lowering herself into the water. It was very warm, but Kirk thought: what's a little heatstroke? She swam straight to him, and kissed him. It was very awkward, since every time she applied her lips the plastic hit him in the eye. He hands were happy completely around her.

It was the best hug ever!

Kirk pulled apart, "Stacey, you do realize this relationship can't go very far?"

"Just one night darling."

o-o-o-o-o

"Oh! Go for it! Go for it!" McCoy high-five-ed Sulu. Spock nearly choked on the mouthful of popcorn he was chewing at the scene. The screen glitched as the camera went underwater. Spock franticly hit buttons. There were two other cameras and this was the most exciting part! One had to work!

**To be continued**

**Thank you for being very patient with me on this one. OKAY READER POLL: (_reply with one of these letters)_**

**1) In this story should Kirk turn into a:**

**a) Cash register**

**b) Pekingese puppy**

**c) Merchandise**

**d) Elephant**

**e) Name something you thought up.**

** See you soon!  
**


	5. A Change Of Plans Occurs

**Hi again! I'm still _really _mad about the swearing reviews I've been getting. But I'm a writer so as it turns out my compulsion overwrote my bitterness.**

Again—The Characters are **Paramount****'s and The Memories are Mine. **

**  
Chapter Five- You look ridiculous in that outfit, sir **  
There was one reason the camera refused to work despite Spock's commands and McCoy's swearing. It was the same reason the suit was malfunctioning. If you have ever seen a horror movie, or even a mystery show you probably know just what the reason is.

Kirk started to shake violently as the bubble jets kicked in. Stacey pulled away from his arm, "What is it?"

Kirk's teeth chattered as an electrical current swam through his body. He screamed, "AHHHHHHHHH!"

With her help, Jim climbed (more like crawled) out of the pool. He twitched vigorously for thirty more seconds before he stopped moving completely. The looked down at him, kicked him in the torso and, when she saw no response, swore, "Shoot! Another date ruined! What am I doing wrong? Is it that stuff I put in the drinks!"

She stormed away recounting every one of her previous failed dates. Jim awoke five minuets later to the sound of an approaching Ecnalubma's (similar to our Earth ambulance) siren. He sat up and an image of Stacey came across his mind. "Stacey and I but then…What happened?"

He wondered aloud while taking stock of his surroundings. "I was about to make a move and then---Ah!"

He looked down at his hands. They were now soft and feminine with dainty pink nail polish. His chest now wore a hot pink bikini, and he had really well formed abs. Like a girl…. "Sweet! The suit's working again!"

Jim looked up as he realized someone was about to come through the back door. He squinted and chanted, "Bird, please be a bird…"

There was the familiar ripple of electricity as he changed into a bird. He took flight and headed for the store. The first thing he did inside was to use the bathroom.

Jim was never more relived.

o-o-o-o-o

"I believe you were right Doctor, this was a chance to earn my money back- doubled," Spock said with a smirk.

The doctor was about to say something witty as he reached for his wallet, but was interrupted by Nurse Chapel. "I'm sorry gentlemen but the money's all mine. Remember? I bet that the date would go sour _and _the suit would return to normal."

If anyone on the bridge had hearing as good as Spock's they might have heard the Vulcan swear softly.

o-o-o-o-o-o

"So the suit's working again," a quiet voice said from behind Kirk, "the zipper I mean."

Kirk jumped a foot the air. "Melvin! Oh my _god!_ You scared me!"

"But probably not as a badly as the backscratcher scared me when I tripped and died." Melvin said in his usual melancholy tone.

"Oh. Um," Kirk looked down at his feet. He had taken the precaution of staying the form of a pale blonde male Romulan wearing jeans, a white tee, and a leather jacket to keep the façade.

"Not that I'm bitter."

"Well, anyway Melvin, how are you today?"

"Dead. You better go clock in. It's 9am. Ra'lop is expecting you."

"Already?!" Kirk looked around his small apartment surprised to finally notice that was no clock. Just a shabby little cot, and bathroom. Jim was headed for the door when he turned to Melvin, "Well I'll be going now…"

"Wait! Don't you need my help with the zipper? That suit is heavy and you _must _need help."

"No, no, I got it."

"Oh okay then," Melvin turned to go. Just as his head was through the wall he stopped and turned around. "Oh wait! I almost forgot! I have present for you! You know how you gave me a present?"

Kirk nodded dumbly as Melvin continued, "Well I got you something!"

Jim tried to look excited as the word _backscratcher _flashed across his mind. Melvin pulled out what looked to be very similar to a credit card. "I don't know what it is but you can have it."

Melvin smiled and then sank through the floor before Jim finished saying thank you. He turned the card over. He didn't know Romulan very well, but he could guess that this was a key- "Well, how about that."

------()-------

"Spock at this rate we won't be there in time!" McCoy declared throwing down his fork.

Spock who had just sat down with his salad nodded. "I agree doctor. If we are to stop this 'Misty' character we shall need to be there very soon. It is Wednesday and I fear they will feed the captain to Misty sooner than that."

"No! I meant in time for the store's 40th anniversary sale on Thursday! J'son's going to make him hand out balloons and hold a sign that says, 'Will dance for hugs!'! That's going to be priceless!!" The doctor said as he absentmindedly picked through his mashed potatoes.

"I suppose Scotty could pull some sort of miracle out of his hat, and if we're lucky we'll be there in two hours. But frankly Doctor, I can pass for a Romualn, you could not. Unless… with some…" Spock scanned the doctor's face lingering on the ears, "help. So you best get into surgery if you wish to go to this 'sale.'"

"You serious?!" McCoy stared agape at Spock.

Spock chewed on some salad thoughtfully. "We will of course be going," he swallowed and used air quotes, " 'to help the Captain.'"

Smiling and nodding, the doctor picked up his plate, walked over to the trash and tossed it in. The door opened as McCoy stood in the door way, "Well I guess you know where I'll be!"

It took Spock another fifteen minuets to chew his salad. After that it took Scotty thirty minuets to figure out that all he had to do was give the engine brandy. It took McCoy an hour in surgery, with thirty minuets to recover, and two hours to prepare. But it took the ship five hours to get to Romulas. And by that time it was one am, so everyone, even though they were anxious, took a sleeping pill and went to bed.

Kirk did not however. He was busy sneaking around.

-----()-------

Dr. Nro'cinu was the top Romulan genetic scientist of his time. He was famous world wide; he name was feared and respected. There was nothing he could not do. His current project was inspired by a paper his daughter had written. It was brilliant writing, but he was the real brilliance in it's creation. Infact it was Dr. Nro'cinu's best work. Sure it did not fit every detail his daughter had described, but it was able to get the job done and that's what mattered. Looking down at the paper in his hand he smiled.

**The Number One Thing I Need To Improve My Life _by Chelsea Nro'cinu _******

The number one thing I need most to improve the quality of my life is a unicorn. She would be purple, with red leather wings, and crystal clear blue eyes. She would have the ability to breathe fire from her nose, super strength, invisibility, and flight. Not to mention, her ability talk.  
Every word spoken by her would drip with hate, death, pain, broken hearts, and death. In short she would be a creature spurned from the underworld, born from black hearts, and pure evil. Her presence means chaos, and destruction of my enemies. She was created at the beginning of time, and has many millennia on her side. Being as old as she is, she would be able to use her abilities all at once in coordinated attacks.  
Her name is Misty. Due to her relentless evil nature and tendency towards world decimation, I would have to feed her extra treats. It would be very easy to locate her if she flew away. I would only need to follow the trail of destruction. With her powers, Misty and I would conquer the world after a long (two days most likely) battle. After the TV coverage of the battle, the interviews with television stations, interviews with the newspapers/ magazines, and the movie (featuring me of course), I would be a celebrity. The movie would be very popular, earning me millions. Being rich, school would no longer be necessary.   
Being rich as I am, and residing in a mansion somewhere on a sunny island, I will generously give the money I steal from my enemies to charities world wide.  
After my many televised acts of heroism, the world will undoubtedly think I am the coolest person ever ( if they don't they get one on one time with Misty). Since all of the countries leaders from all corners of the globe agree on this as an unchangeable fact they will see that they have much in common, and work together. With the countries' leaders working together, Romulas will enter a golden age of prosperity and joy. Which to my relief means no paparazzi.  
In the end, although her intentions were evil, Misty the unicorn will improve quality of life for everyone.

**The End **

Dr. Nro'cinu put the paper in the breast pocket of his coat and picked up his brief case. It was time to go check on Misty.

-------()-----

Kirk took a deep breath and slid the card through the slot. It was his lunch break and it had been a tough day. Two strangely familiar Romulans had been laughing at him (or at least one had been laughing the other didn't seem to smile) and taking pictures of him for the first hour before going inside. One picture they had showed a little girl throwing pink soda at him and the cup at his head. His head was still sticky.

The door slid open and Kirk took his Romulan form as he stepped through. There was a click as it shut behind him. She was asleep in the corner and looked fairly harmless. Her skin was a purple- reddish hue. Her leather wings were black and were small and folded at her sides. Before Jim could investigate further he heard footsteps coming.

Thinking of the barrel of hay he saw he transformed into one instantly. Dr. Nro'cinu walked through the door. "Misty, darling time to get up!"

The unicorn got up slowly blinking it's doe like eyes several times. Kirk saw that they were the color of the moon- even glowing eerily.  
She shook her mane to get any blonde strands off her long sliver horn.

"How are you today Misty," the doctor asked gently.

Misty spoke first in sweet tones, "Fine Doctor. And you?"

However, it was quickly revealed to be a façade of pleasantness when she continued. Her voice was scratchy and only slightly sweet as it was mostly bitter. "Don't answer that. Seriously- how the hell do you think I've been? I'm locked in a room eating tourists with to much cholesterol! 'Cmon Doc don't lie to me!!! When do I get to destroy the freakn' Federation?!"

"Yes, well," the doctor tried to talk to Misty as if she was a delicate child. Which in fact she pretty much was, " Misty I've brought you your protein mix that will improve your powers. After it sinks then you'll be ready. J'son thinks Saturday. Oh speaking of Saturday- you know that new employee?"

"The polar bear freak?"

"Yes- he's your special treat!"

Misty stamped a paw on the ground while glaring. "What makes you guys think I want to eat something with so much fur? Gawd you piss me off. Just give me the shot and go. I'd like to wallow in my evil brilliance."

The doctor lowered himself to one knee and opened the brief case. "Yes Misty," he mumbled. He was very professional and finished in five minuets. As he left he bowed to Misty.

Kirk was glad the strange man had left. Now all he had to do was wait till Misty was asleep and he could capture her. "Oh mi gawd," Misty began to talk to herself, "I think I'm going to eat puppies when I get to Earth. I'm sure they're just like popcorn."

She began to pace the room as she talked. "Although humans should be interesting. I hate Andorians they're antenna get stuck in my throat. Oh what's this? A hay bale I haven't peed on yet!"

Kirk had fought enemies before that had hit him, whipped him, preformed weird surgeries on him, made copies of him, pelted him with stones, chained him to a dungeon, but none had ever _ever _peed on him. He thought to himself, "Oh crap."

Misty thought about doing just that but the drug had the effect of making her tired. She stumbled away from the hay bale relived and sleepy. She was fast asleep and did not notice as her new hay bale became a human named Kirk.

"The Federation wants me to destroy the weapon. I can to do better than that," He said aloud as the electrical suit transformed him.

"Oh yes, I can," his Misty like voice said slyly.

------()-------

**To Be Continued **

**I'm thinking two chapters and this'll be done. **


	6. Now With Romance

**Chapter Six- What are you doing in a cheap place this?**

Kirk was walking back and forth in the room to test his new self. He was male version on whatever one would specify Misty as (evil unicorn?). His body was black with purple leather wings, and neon green hair, and a gleaming horn. For some odd reason he also had a white skull and crossbones birthmark on his hind hip. As he thought out his next move he hovered in the air. Presumably he had the same powers as Misty- super strength, talking, invisibility, flight and the all powerful fire-breath-from-the-nose.

"Alright," Jim said thinking aloud, "First I'll fry the Romulan embassy, including whoever thought up this plan, then I'll permanently put those snot-nosed-ploar-bear-tail-tuging kids out of business, throw Ra'lop and Ra'eb somewhere and contact the ship making sure to beam up without being noticed. Yep that outta work."

He stopped hovering and was about to ram the wall as many times as it took to get out of the small room when Misty awoke. "Shot, forgot to kill her," he thought.

Misty kept her eyes squeezed shut as she stood and stretched. She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and opened her eyes. "Oh! Hello there! Aren't you handsome? What's your name?"

"James?" He answered nervously.

"What are you doing in a cheap place like this baby?"

Kirk had a bad feeling. He took a step back and Misty took two closer to him. Her voice was sweet and that could mean that she had a crush on him. He took a chance and said- "To see you??"

His suspicions were confirmed when she batted her eyelashes and nuzzled his neck. "Oh _James, _are you going to help me destroy the Federation?"

Kirk took a deep breath, glad to know no one was watching.

---(-)---

Chekov's soda came flying out his nose he was laughing so hard. "Zat iz ze Romulan veapon? Unicorns vere inwented in Russia!"

In attaching the Camera to the Polar Bear suit, McCoy had attached it to the suit. Thereby insuring that no matter the transformation, they could always watch. Spock walked through the turbolift doors and stopped when he saw Misty. "Mr. Chekov you are relived of command. What has happened to the Captain since my departure?"

Chekov moved to his navigator seat as Spock slid into the captain's chair. "You lost more credits. Misty is no technological superbot!!" He continued to laugh.

Uhura, who loved romance novels, watched intently. "Shh guys! He's about to propose! I mean answer!"

Yeoman Rand handed Spock some popcorn as everyone turned their attention to the screen.

---(-)---

"No!" Kirk shrieked. He coughed for a second and then noting Misty's shocked look, put on his best female wooing voice, "I mean, no baby, why would I?"

Misty straightened her neck and blinked. "Well, Dr. Nro'cinu said they were our enemy…and I just thought…"

"That you would destroy them for him as a way to repay him for creating you?"

"Well, yeah." Misty said resting her head on his.

"But did the Federation stick you in this box? Did they," Kirk stopped to think, carefully planning out his words, "feed you tourists full of cholesterol? Did they plan to stuff a creature with too much hair down your throat for their enjoyment?"

She looked up. Promising to hate himself later, he nuzzled her neck. Misty said, "Well no, I never thought of it that way James. Infact you know what?"

"What, baby?" he cooed feeling sick to his stomach. In his mind's eye he saw him recounting this to Spock and McCoy as a vicious battle with a type of technological superbot. Until he got home though, well when on Romulas, do as the Romans do.

"I think we ought to destroy these people and this world instead!" Misty smiled.

"Oh you are so smart. I love the way your wonderfully evil mind thinks," Kirk said straightening out his neck. "Shall we begin right away?"

"No not quite, James, I want to get to know you better first."

And until that moment Kirk had no idea that unicorns could kiss.

---(-)---

"Eww! That's gross!" Sulu said squinting his eyes shut. Uhura hit a few buttons and the word **GROSS!!** began to flash in the screen. The audio was still intact though.

McCoy walked through the door and nearly tripped. When he regained his balance, he shouted, "Whoa! What's going on here?"

Sulu murmured, "Just a roll in the hay!"

Chekov high-fived him and thy both laughed. Spock looked over his shoulder at the doctor, "Doctor, I believe Kirk won't need our assistance after all."

----(-)----

"Misty, I, uh," Kirk pulled apart from Misty still in mild shock, "I think we should stop here, we'll have plenty of time to uh…"

"Roll in the hay?" Mist said suggestively.

"Yes, um… but first shouldn't we destroy the planet first?"

"Whatever you want," she said in a seductive voice that terrified Kirk.

"That wasn't an innuendo Misty." Kirk said.

"Oh… so planet destroying it is then!"

Misty turned and used her super strength to break down a wall, while Kirk let out of sigh of relief. Misty's whimsical tune sang, "Let's go darling!"

_I'll never get the taste of hay out of my mouth, _Jim said while flying after her. They arrived quickly at the scientific headquarters where Kirk offered to destroy the library and suggested that Misty should destroy the genetic research wing. "Oh that's so sweet!," she squealed, "Your respecting my boundaries and letting me exact my own revenge! I love you _sooo _much!"

"I love you to honey!" He shouted flying to the other side of the building.

It was a love hate relationship, she loved him he hated her. Infact their relationship could be compared to that of Anthony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet, except of course without his death and without sex.

Meanwhile in her twisted little mind Misty was using the destruction of the building as inspiration for a love sonnet-

_The fire in my heart  
__Destroys this building for you  
__I used to be invisible except now  
__I'd do anything you think is cool!_

No! Shoot! She thought, that sounds dumb! He's probably not even into me! He probably likes an intellectual! To compensate with her feelings of insecurity she also destroyed the park nearby before going to rejoin James.

He was waiting for her in front of the building. As she landed he smiled and, "Oh Misty-poo you look so gorgeous with the building burning behind you. It's like a fiery sunset that I created."

"Awww! That is s_o _sweet! 'Cmon baby, let's fly and talk," she spoke while unfolding her wings, "I want to do something for you!"

As they gained altitude he ventured, "Destroy the Embassy and eat Italian?"

"Oh you know me so well!" She blushed slightly, "Kirk, would you like to hear a poem I wrote for you?"

She did not wait for him to reply-

"_I have many powers  
__All fearsome, and deadly 'tis true  
__But the one thing I cannot control  
__Is my love for you!"_

She hastily added, "_And if you every betray me I'll hunt you down and kill you!!!" _

She giggled. Kirk was worried that she would want him to recite a poem back. But the only poem he could think of was:

_Roses are red  
__Violets are blue  
__You make me want to puke  
__I'm gonna run away from you._

Some how that did not seem appropriate. Misty coughed, "Did you like it?"

"Oh yes darling, very much so!"

"I'm so glad- will you tell me a poem?" Misty said swishing her hair.

"Um," Kirk looked at his feet for inspiration, "Uh, what do you know! We are here already!"

"Oh good," Misty began to swoop lower, "you can tell me a poem at the restaurant!"

"Okay, um this time you can choose which side of the building you want."

Misty flew to the west wing, and it wasn't till he was a safe distance away that Kirk pulled out a communicator he had brought. "Hello? Sock? _Enterprise? _Are you guys in orbit yet?"

On the ship Uhura was startled by the communication and dropped her book: True Love and Unicorns. "Oh! _Enterprise _here sir! What do you need?"

Jim was nervous he didn't know when Misty would be done destroying her half of the building. "Uh, this is the Captain, I'm dealing with a very hostile-"

"Love Machine!" Someone on the bridge shouted.

"- monster. Can I please speak to the doctor and Spock in Sickbay?"

Spock nodded at Uhura and headed out of the room. Uhura told the Captain to wait just one moment. On the screen everyone could see the Captain fumbling with the communicator in his hoof.

In two minuets he had to wait, Kirk occupied his time with firing at the buildings main supports- that way it would collapse in a burning heap without much force. He stopped as Spock and Bones said hello.

"Okay guys, what I need is two things. I can't waste much more time talking. So, one) I need a vile of poison strong enough to kill fifty elephants but dissolvable in spaghetti. And two I need to have someone at the transporter ready to beam me up on a dime's notice. Can you do that?"

McCoy grumbled but still had the poison beamed down within a minuet. "Thank you very much. And also do you guys know any good love sonnets?"

"Sir, that seems an illogical question to ask at this time," Sock said even the though he knew perfectly well why Kirk would need it. "Is that all Captain?"

"Yeah, I guess, I think this nightmare will be bundled up soon. See you then."

"Good luck Jim," McCoy said. Kirk put away the communicator and the vile and turned to see the building was a smoldering ash pile. "I think Bones was right, I'm turning out to be pretty lucky."

He walked over to the main entrance of the building and saw Misty had just arrived. "Well darling," he said no feeling a little happier, "shall we go to that conveniently placed Italian restaurant across the way?"

She agreed and the crossed the street together causing only a minor car pile up as people swerved out of shock, and to avoid them. At first they were not allowed a table but after Misty used her laser vision on one of the waiters, they were greeted warmly.

She ordered a plate of spaghetti and he ordered the shrimp scampi. "If you'll excuse me," Misty smiled and headed for the Little Evil Unicorn Girl's room to fix herself up.

While she was gone her food arrived, and the waiter apologetically told Kirk, "I'm sorry sir, but we are all out of shrimp, would you like anything else?"

Kirk didn't really care, so we just ordered a second plate of spaghetti. As soon as the waiter left he slipped the vile of poison into Misty's food. Misty came back still feeling like a romantic and even more so when she saw only one plate of spaghetti. "Oh _James_, are we going to split the spaghetti with me?"

"No," Kirk could see the disappointment on her face, "I mean, I will slurp noodles with you, but first why don't you eat and I'll tell you a poem first."

Misty smiled. It was a beautiful restaurant. The tables had white cloths draped on them, there were candles, and thanks to their appearance, calm silence (because every other guest had left) except for the soft piano music. She began to eat as Kirk recited:

_Violets are icy blue  
__Rose are blood red  
__And I'll love you forever  
__Until one of us is dead _

She swallowed her food and squealed, "Oh that was beautiful! Tell me another one!"

Kirk coughed, wondering when the waiter would come out with his food. What he didn't know was that most of the staff had cleared the building. So he made up another poem:

_Violets will wither  
__Roses are blood red  
__The butterflies are broken  
__The puppies are dead. _

"Oh that was beautiful! Jim, why don't you try some spaghetti now?" She pushed the plate into the middle of the table.

Figuring he could just go into the bathroom and cough it up later. "Sure, sweetie," he lowered his head and began to eat. Accidentally, he and Misty had both picked up the same piece of spaghetti. Misty used this to her advantage to pull Kirk into a lip lock. To Kirk's disgust he now had more poison in his system than he had wanted.

McCoy had been smart enough to make it a slow poison but not enough to give Kirk the cure.

Misty became suspicious when she saw that Kirk was not eating as much. "Why are so nervous darling?"

Kirk made the mistake of hesitating. Misty screeched, "Have you found another girl? After all the time we spent together?"

"No-I-I," and again Kirk found himself hesitating, only to infuriate Misty more.

She looked down at the half empty plate as tears rolled down her cheek. "And after the beautiful meal we shared!"

Misty stormed out of the building. Kirk was so pleased with himself that he began to munch on the spaghetti. "Oops," he said, "Oh well I'll go quite my job and within the hour I'll be back on the ship, without any suit on!"

Smiling he flew back to the tourism store. "Looks like Misty was here," he thought observing the crushed building.

Kirk pulled out his communicator and prepared to beam out.

**To Be Continued…**

**Coming up next: _Not one, but six endings!!!! Thank you for the awsome reviews!_**


	7. The End it seemed But hope gleams!

**I got a bunch of reviews by this one sick fuck (KARMA KILLS THEY ARE GOING TO HELL ), so since I update based on reviews, I updated. I'm a god-damn poet and I know it. Hope you enjoy, this is ending number one! Enjoy! **

**Chapter Seven: A Sad Ending ( but it gets happier) **

Dear Reader, I've got a story to tell   
About what happened to Kirk that day   
'Tis full of action, adventure, and woe   
The truth must be told, I'm sorry to sa y

It ends badly, after much destruction   
But we'll start at were it began   
Of when Misty who flew to Kirk   
Kirk, began to ran.

He gained momentum,   
Staying in the form she knew   
And took flight, like a knight in armor  
Misty was a dragon, he intend to slew

The airborne battle,   
Was in a just setting   
The sun began to set   
Inspiring a bloody ending

Misty kicked out, a mighty blow   
Against her doomed attacker   
But Kirk struck back and for a moment   
He thought he was the faster

Misty used her heat vision   
As she turned around   
And clipped Kirk's wings   
Sending him to the ground

In the pale moonlight   
These two lovers fought   
No news reporter could tell   
The extent of the damage they wrought

Misty's heart was broken   
She began to feel sorry for what she had done   
Even though one would never know   
They were too terrified of what would happen is she won

Kirk stood up slowly,   
And shook dirt from his mane   
He was the only one who noticed   
Misty was not the same

"Misty you feel okay?" he shouted   
"Like you care!" She instantly replied   
Kirk was hoping the poison would kill her   
Before they both felt the effects and died

But he was already feeling the effects   
As he hefted a weapon (a nearby automobile)   
It struck Misty with a lot of force   
And she found herself forced to kneel

She pushed the car off with ease   
A gash on her face poured blood her eye   
He knew her wrath was strong   
Kirk still limped and failed to fly

So he turned around and fired   
A powerful blast of flame   
It stuck her in the face   
And no makeup will make her the same

But before she could lift  
A nearby swing set  
They both collapsed  
As the poison took effect

She crawled to were he lay  
He looked in here eyes  
"I'm so sorry Jim," she whispered  
"Me too," he lied.

She cried feeling sorry  
For being so violent  
And Kirk tried not to  
Let his emotions relent

She died in his arms   
He knew he was done as well  
And I'm sorry dear reader  
But this story I had to tell.

In the fight his communicator   
To the Captain's dismay   
Was lost under some rubble   
The one thing that would have saved him that day

The Enterprise called to the captain  
Somewhere in the distance the communicator beeped  
He tried to stand and shrug Misty aside  
But it was still to far out of reach

He wanted to die as himself  
But he was stuck in this monstrous form  
And Dear reader, I've got one more thing to say  
Before you leave and your life goes back to it's norm 

In the corner Melvin laughed   
The only one who could have known  
That not only would these two characters die  
But that it would not have happened if they had not begun to roam  
Though out the darkest coroner  
Of the ever elusive **Twighlight Zone!!! **

**(The end dear reader!   
Or at least, that's what you'd like to believe   
Because there's still 5 more endings   
Waiting to be received!) **


End file.
